Been a while, everybody! I’ve decided to break my silence to post this, because it’s burning a hole on my hard drive and I need to release it to the world.
I write for a comedy website aimed at twelve year olds. (If you know what it is, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT MENTION IT HERE. I write under a pseudonym and don’t want their robots finding/firing me.) They give me a title, usually about Mario Kart or Justin Bieber or something, then I drink a few beers and shit out an article, then they post it. Below is the one exception. I present to you, completely unaltered, the only article I’ve submitted that they refuse to post. Enjoy!
The United States is the Bowser of the world. Think about it: We’re huge, angry, and get all up in everyone’s business whenever we feel like it, but still somehow get invited whenever all the other countries are going kart racing. Seriously though, we have these flying robots called Predator drones that we send to Pakistan to kill people. One time we killed 20 people at a funeral for another guy we killed, a tactic which the ghost of Joseph Stalin was quoted as calling “pretty horrible.” But the title of this article isn’t “Reasons Why History Will Remember Us As Monsters,” it’s “What The Mushroom Kingdom Would Be Like If Princess Peach Got Her Hands On Predator Drones.” So LET’S DO THIS!
Her Awful Abuse Of Power Would Be Condemned Abroad And Never Mentioned At Home
Did you know that our robots have killed between 2-4,000 people in Pakistan in the last few years, and there is zero independent confirmation of our government’s claim that every single one of them was, like, 100% evil? Probably not! The rest of the world does, though, and they hate us for it. If Princess Peach had Predator drones, the people of the Mushroom Kingdom would probably carry on with their joyous, fungus-themed lives, totally unaware that Dinosaur Land wants them dead.
Glaring Problems Would Go Unsolved
Running a Predator drone program takes a whole heck of a lot of time and money! The U.S. government spends over $14 billion a year on Predators and their big brothers, the not-at-all-creepily-named Reapers. Meanwhile, our planet burns and our education system is much better at putting kids in debt than giving them a future. The same thing has already happened to the Mushroom Kingdom, with budget cuts to all kinds of important programs. Do you really think Rainbow Road is SUPPOSED to have no railings, thereby dooming most of its drivers to certain death? Nope! Blame Peach and her comically oversized drone budget!
No Measurable Change In The Most Important Safety Statistic
Does killing a bunch of people in rural Pakistan make Americans safer? Well, since terrorist attacks against Americans still happen, there’s no way to know for sure. The Mushroom Kingdom is thankfully too adorable for terrorism, so their most important measure of how safe they are is if their princess gets kidnapped. Surprise, surprise: having Predator drones isn’t the same as, say, building a better castle, and Bowser’s still gonna grab Peach once every couple weeks.
That Last Point Again, But Really Think About It This Time
Peach is still getting kidnapped. Why would she spend all of her kingdom’s coins on a security system that doesn’t work? Could it be because the people who make the drones are paying for her re-election campaign? (Yes, Peach does have to run for Princess. It’s weird, I know.)
Mario Would Be In More Danger Than Ever
Koopas, Goombas, and many other creatures from far-off lands already hate Mario. He doesn’t mind. It’s part of his job. As protector of the Mushroom Kingdom, there are a whole lot of things that want him running out of 1-Ups. “Hey,” people will say to him if Peach gets Predator drones, “you’re the guy that stops Bowser, right? And Peach got all these drones that kill people supposedly because she wants to stop Bowser, right? Then why do you still have to stop Bowser?” Mario won’t have an answer, because Peach doesn’t tell him these things. What Mario will have is the constant threat of death from families of murdered Shy Guys seeking revenge for violence he didn’t commit. Mamma Mia!
Really, Though, Think About Point #3 Again
Why? Because when Mario is staring down the barrels of a hundred furious Birdo noses, all of whom belong to Birdos whose eggs got smashed by Peach’s predator drones, that’s what he’ll be thinking about.
Do you think politics have no place on this site? Let us know in the comments!
(then there was a link to an article about Luigi)